Defusing conflicts while asserting what you want is possible with nonviolent communication (NVC).
What is nonviolent communication?
Non-violent communication (NVC) is a method of communication developed in the 1960s by the American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg. This is based on 4 pillars: observation (the gestures of his interlocutor, his non-verbal communication …), feelings (which must be expressed as precisely as possible, without accusatory words), the needs (no longer saying “you” + accusation but “I need …”) and the demand (“it is necessary that” becomes “can you?”).
To practice non-violent communication (NVC), there are essential elements of the “relationship with the other”: you have to trust him (that is to say: not to assume that the discussion is lost), have a positive a priori about them (“he’s a good person”) and show empathy (put yourself in other people’s shoes to understand their reactions).
What is nonviolent communication for? To several things. First, it is about defusing conflicts – in the couple, in the family, at work … Then, this technique allows you to be heard and respected: you learn to assert your needs and to say “no” when necessary. Finally, it is a tool for getting to know others better: their goals, feelings, history … All you have to do is get started!
Non-violent communication: being present!
This is one of the essential conditions for healthy communication: “being present” means paying attention (very sincerely!) To what is important for yourself and for others.
Be present to yourself. Before entering into an important discussion, take the time to take stock: what state of mind do you feel – worried, angry, scared, disappointed? Is this an important feeling that has lasted a long time? What is he referring to? What would you need to ease this feeling? How do you feel in your body tense, knotted …?
Be present to others. Are you sincerely interested in your interlocutor by taking into account all the (known) facets of his personality: what is his story? What are its strengths and weaknesses? What are his life goals? How does he feel today, why?
Tip: Obviously, you can’t be present to yourself and others when you are continuously distracted – so remember to move your phone away! What is at stake is to develop a benevolent attention to others.
Non-violent communication: practicing active listening!
Active listening is the exact opposite of “passive listening”: one which is content to listen vaguely to pick up one word in three, and which thinks of something else while pretending to be interested. about the discussion … Active listening, how do you do it? 3 exercises to try:
Reformulate. “I can’t stand my neighbors anymore, they make noise all night long, they move the furniture at 2 o’clock in the morning “. It is a question of rephrasing the remarks to make it clear to the interlocutor that we have entered the problem. For example: “your neighbors are difficult and you can’t go on like this anymore, I understand!”
Validate the emotion. “I can’t stand my neighbors anymore, they make noise all night long, they move the furniture at 2 o’clock in the morning …” This time, it’s about playing the card of empathy to show your interlocutor that we sympathize and show him support. For example: “It must be terrible, I imagine you can’t take it anymore!”
Identify the need. “I can’t stand my neighbors anymore, they make noise all night long, they move the furniture at 2 am …” Another possibility: ask the problem to be solved by your interlocutor in order to help him progress. “So you need to resolve this difficulty quickly and without violence!”
Tip: Paraphrasing is one of the basics of non-violent communication: by repeating (and clarifying!) What the other person is saying, you can also defuse an aggressive statement. For example: “I can’t stand you anymore!”, “If I understand correctly, you are angry with me, why?”
Non-violent communication: expressing yourself clearly!
“Practicing non-violent communication” does not mean “shut up and listen”! As part of a peaceful discussion, it is also a question of expressing your needs and expectations to your interlocutor.
Express your needs. The idea is to calmly and clearly express your needs rather than blaming others for their lack of satisfaction. Example: instead of saying “we never go on vacation together!” We will say “I need to clear my mind”.
Idem: instead of saying “you walk too fast!” We will say “my feet hurt”. And there, we no longer accuse anyone …
Moderate your expectations. Be careful not to express unreasonable expectations of your interlocutors. For example: “I demand to know where you are, with whom, why and permanently” is not a reasonable requirement … On the other hand “can you send me a text this afternoon?” is one!
Reference: https://www.groktheworld.com/what-nonviolent-communication-nvc-also-known-compassionate-communication-language-life
Photo by fauxels from Pexels
