At school in the playground, in parent-child relationships, between brother and sister, between friends, within the couple, at work … Affective blackmail is everywhere and takes its place in our daily lives, even if the we realize this, sometimes from a very young age. So what is emotional blackmail and how to get out of it? So as not to fall into emotional dependence.
What is emotional blackmail?
Blackmail is a way of taking power over someone by applying pressure. Affective blackmail, also known as emotional blackmail, is therefore a way of gaining power over someone whose affection is the object of exchange.
By asking her to do something, to say something, or not to do something, the emotional blackmailer “promises” affection in return.
You can do emotional blackmail temporarily without even realizing it. Everyone, without knowing it, probably lived, a relationship, a moment of emotional blackmail.
The consequences of emotional blackmail can be:
- A form of interdependent pairing (parent / child, manager / employee, friend / friend, couple partner / couple partner, etc.)
- Affective dependence.
- A form of isolation from others: those who are not part of this binomial, because there is often a notion of exclusivity.
Affective blackmail is one of the premises of harassment, warning signs, you must not wait until it is too late to react and get out.
One can experience emotional blackmail in many situations of daily life, from an early age. In everyday situations, the peculiarity is that we play on affect … And the problem is that the more we grow, the more we get free, the more the emotional blackmail can go far.
Who can be affected by emotional blackmail?
Everyone can be affected, one day or another, by emotional blackmail. This is often the consequence of certain, often unconscious, educational methods on the part of parents, which consist in conditioning love to something.
If you look around, blackmail is in some ways part of education: “if you don’t eat your dish, you won’t have dessert”, “if you don’t do your homework, you don’t have the right to play “,“Mom likes you when you are wise and you obey”, “mom / dad will love you if you do that”, there is a notion of affect in this blackmail.
If not done consciously by parents, it is passed down from generation to generation. A child models his parents and will simply repeat what he hears as he grows up.
This is not an accusation, it is an observation. We can completely practice blackmail, without being a manipulator or a narcissistic pervert! We all experienced it more or less during our life.
People exposed to emotional blackmail on a recurring basis are people who are often waiting for love and affection. In some cases, there is an emotional failure, a lack of self-esteem … These people expect to receive attention, interest, love, affection …
Also, some people have been accustomed to operating like this from an early age, which makes it difficult to identify emotional blackmail, which is a norm for them.
The risk factors are:
- Lack of self-love and self-esteem.
- Being in emotional and affective instability.
- Social or professional wandering.
- Too much naivety and spontaneity.
- Living in the illusion of Prince Charming, especially at the start of a romantic relationship. The person opposite will fill all the gaps (needs, expectations, faults, etc.).
- Resist emotional blackmail: advice on avoiding emotional dependence.
- Fusal love and passionate love can be destructive in certain relationships, and the idea is to stay alert, try not to enter this type of complex relationship, or try to get out of it the most as early as possible.
If we find ourselves in a relationship where emotional blackmail is king, it is imperative to:
- Begin to define your limits by asking yourself the right questions: what do you have the right to tell me and how do you have the right to tell me? What is acceptable and what is not? To realize this, you can write it in a notebook.
- Identify our expressions in our speeches, our exchanges with this person, which can encourage emotional blackmail and think about what we could say instead.
- To connect with the adult in oneself, to get out of the emotional dependence with this person and find in oneself the love of oneself. Stop being the child who suffers, who is waiting for the love of his parents and keep in mind that no one is there to fill an emotional gap.
- Agree to be accompanied. Very often, these people are not able to realize it, and are destroyed slowly, that is why it is advisable to be supported, to get out of it as soon as possible.
- Place a frame with the person. Even if the relationship seems to be obvious, do not get lost in the relationship, and impose a framework on the one who maintains this blackmail. To do this, make clear and precise requests, ask questions:“what are you trying to tell me when you tell me that?”
- Stop obeying, that is, do neither. In this type of blackmail, the other comes back, you don’t really lose it, you have to come to see it as “bluff”. And we will finally go towards a relationship that lives with respect for the other.
Reference: https://positivepsychology.com/emotional-blackmail/
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