Nothing could be more human than wanting the affection of our family, the attention of our friends, the recognition of our peers … But in the most fragile among us, this need can take an acute, distressing, painful form that is the pathology.
Can we get out of this addiction after 50 years, when we have spent a large part of our life in this relational mode? Certainly yes, as soon as we are ready to be reconciled with the person we really are so as not to live in the eyes of the other.
To be certain!
The first thing is to spot the signs: fear of loneliness, of course, but not only. It is also manifested through other behaviors: fear of judgment from others, constant search for approval, difficulty saying no, fear of conflict, fear of separation, tendency to do anything to be loved and appreciated, compulsive seduction …
The popular idea is that this pathology of the link only concerns people who are erased, fearful, submissive, but it can also manifest itself in strong personalities.
There are emergency exits!
The emotional addict is caught in an endless spiral from which it must imperatively extricate itself. Manipulation, charm, surveillance, sacrifice, everything is implemented so that the other comes to stop the anguish by reassuring, by giving, by filling, by proving… But the exterior cannot satisfy what the interior does not recognize.
The other may encourage, reassure, love, the well-being will be short-lived, since, deep down, the emotional addict questions and denies his self-esteem and the recognition of his value. It is only gradually by taking risks and experimenting with behaviors that he will find reassurance on his own, detach himself from events and people and regain self-love.
Squaring the family circle!
A story based on the emotional dependence of one of the protagonists is thus doomed to failure in the long term. Suffering is present for the addict but also for the object of his attachment, which will constantly be challenged to fill, to reassure, without these proofs of love being ever sufficient. If this pathology finds its climax in the couple, it can also undermine the family circle.
Beware of the profusion of fusion!
In the context of the romantic relationship, dependence is part of an idealization of the loved one. The couple lives in the mode of passion, alternating the three postures of the infernal triangle: victim, savior, persecutor. But the more they fear losing this idealized other, the more they increase the risk that the real other will flee from them.
Instead of living in the present moment and acting for serenity, joy and all the criteria that make a harmonious couple, it is the face marked by mistrust, sadness, suspicion, doubt and concern that appears. Energy is no longer creative or loving.
More fear than harm!
In order to escape this pathology of the bond, the emotional addict will therefore not be able to avoid the risk of losing the other and of facing loneliness. The anxieties can only rise by facing them, by going through them. Never avoiding them. Going through fear, and experiencing it over and over, makes it possible to make you stronger, to detach yourself from it and to see your ability to act despite this fear.
Accepting yourself as you are rather than exhausting yourself to seek recognition in the gaze of the other: the final step in getting out of the tunnel of emotional dependence.
Reference: https://medium.com/lady-vivra/ending-emotional-dependence-ab77cad83053
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