Narcissistic perverts represent 2 to 3% of the population. What to do when a loved one has a romantic relationship with one of them?
In love, in friendship or at work, no one is safe from one day crossing the road of what is called a “narcissistic pervert” and fall into the category of manipulators.
In psychiatry, we also speak of “narcissistic personality disorder”. Whatever term is used to refer to them, these individuals, male or female, follow a pattern of evil in their relationships with others. Their objective? Feed their narcissism. Controlling their prey is the way.
Problem: under the influence, the victims of these toxic personalities often find it difficult to realize the destructive relationship in which they find themselves. That’s why their families and friends can be of great help. But how to help a close victim of manipulation in the couple? To achieve this, it is still necessary to know how to recognize a narcissistic pervert.
How to recognize a manipulator?
Contrary to what one might think, it is not necessarily the behaviors of the manipulator that initially arouse the suspicions of those close to them. The victim’s behaviors also say a lot about what they are going through. At the start of a relationship, her speech is often rave: she describes her partner as perfect and may present him or her to those close to her as “the man or woman of her life.”
This is a real clue because no one is perfect: it means that the manipulator is showing himself in his best light and has therefore started to weave the web in which he plans to trap his prey.
It then follows a standard pattern, generally made up of three phases. In order to spot a narcissistic pervert and help a loved one who is victim to it, it is essential to learn to recognize these three key steps.
Narcissistic perverts: the stages of the romantic relationship!
Phase 1: Seduction and control
The manipulator takes on the role of the ideal partner. Gifts, declarations of love, compliments, little attentions … He does not skimp on the means for his victim to fall head over heels in love with him. He also lets her know that he cannot be without her and thus begins to insidiously remove her from her relatives and family.
This phase generally ends with a turning point in the relationship, induced early – sometimes a few weeks after the meeting – by the manipulator. It could be a move in, even a marriage proposal or a project for a child.
Phase 2: Living together!
When this phase is started, the manipulator shows a whole different face. Compliments disappear and the little touches give way to criticism. Everything that the manipulator pointed out as being qualities in his partner becomes faults.
If he considered it “organized”, he will now say that it is “rigid”. If he praised her good relations with family and friends, he would consider that she is spending too much time with those close to her, to the detriment of her relationship.
To continue to distance the victim from those around him, the manipulator is never frontal: he does not forbid his partner to see relatives, but denigrates them one by one in a subtle way after having met them.
He also uses emotional blackmail and guilt to achieve his ends. This is all the more true when it comes to relatives who have a particular proximity and influence on the victim. The objective of the manipulator? Keep your partner away from people who could detect his toxicity.
To sow doubt in the mind of his victim and to establish his hold, the manipulator also practices “double bind”.
Its goal ? To put it face to face with two contradictory pressures. The manipulator can for example ask his partner to buy apples. If the latter chooses golden apples, he will tell her that this variety is not good. The next time, the victim will buy gala apples: the manipulator will tell that these apples are too expensive. And so on.
During this phase, which can last for months or years, the victim’s behavior gradually changes. She loses her zest for life, questions her intelligence and her qualities. A reality that has an impact on her health: digestive disorders, eczema flare-ups, headaches, anxiety attacks and sleep disturbances can occur.
In question? The stress induced by the manipulator and the toxic relationship in which the victim now feels locked up.
Phase 3: Awareness!
It is not uncommon for the earlier phase of the relationship to help the victim open their eyes to what they are going through. But that doesn’t mean she’s ready to make the necessary decisions to separate from the manipulator!
Manipulation: understanding the victim’s state of mind!
There are several reasons that could explain why a victim of a narcissistic pervert does not leave his partner:
- The victim is in denial!
Some people perceive that they are in a toxic relationship but do not want to fully open their eyes to the situation because it would force them to change their life. A prospect that seems impossible to overcome because of everyone’s beliefs, such as the search for a soul mate, the refusal of divorce or the alleged well-being of the children.
- The victim is emotionally dependent!
The fear of living alone and not having a traveling companion can freeze some victims. If they additionally suffer from emotional dependence, it will be even more difficult for them to leave their partner, no matter how toxic.
- The victim has lost self-confidence!
The manipulator has made his victim doubt so much that she wonders if the finding she made about her relationship is correct and if it is not rather her who is involved. She has lost confidence so much that she also thinks that she will not be able to cope without her partner.
When the victim really opens her eyes to the relationship and evokes the breakup, the manipulator again uses emotional blackmail and guilt to hold back his partner.
For example, he might say to her, “You can’t do this to us after everything we’ve built” or “If you leave me, you won’t have custody of the children.” Some manipulators also go so far as to blackmail suicide: “You will have my death on your conscience.” If the victim is not accompanied by a professional, it is not uncommon for them to back down and stay with the manipulator.
Manipulation: what to say to a close victim of a narcissistic pervert?
In this well-defined pattern, relatives undoubtedly have a role to play. The first thing to do is find the right time to talk to the victim. You have to bet on the degree of friendship and emotional closeness maintained with her to tell her everything you think about.
The slogans? Sincerity and benevolence. This is obviously a risk-taking: it is possible that the words of relatives will be badly received by the victim and that the latter subsequently wishes to distance himself or even cut ties. However, it is essential to react.
During this discussion it is important that the loved one explains to the victim that he has observed the relationship for a long time and that he has understood its inner workings: the companion is toxic and she has not been the same since she started this relationship.
In an attempt to raise awareness, it should be argued, explaining that since meeting him, she no longer smiles, she no longer goes out, she avoids those close to her and declines invitations at the last moment.
The conclusion of this discussion is essential:
“You might be mad at me, you might want to cut ties with me, but I’m taking the risk of telling you all this because I love you and want you to be happy. Know one thing. : Even if you don’t want to talk to me anymore, I’ll still be there for you. And if things go wrong with him, whether it’s in a week, a month or years, my door will always be open to you”.
Other ways to help a person who is the victim of manipulation?
Help the victim to open the victim’s eyes other than by speaking. To do this, it is necessary to find a book about the manipulators in the couple and to put it in the hands of the victim.
But not just anyhow! The book must be sent to the place of work, in order to prevent the operator from falling on it at home. For even more discretion, especially with the victim’s work colleagues, it is possible to hide the cover with kraft paper for example.
This method has several advantages: as the behaviors of the manipulators are stereotyped, the victim has a good chance of finding herself through the description made in the book. And since the author of the book does not know her and did not write his book especially for her, the victim will not feel judged and will not turn up. A phenomenon that will promote a possible awareness.
Whatever option is chosen, relatives must then refer the victim to a professional, such as a psychologist or psychotherapist, as their role has limits. The intervention of an outside person is essential to get out of the clutches of a manipulator, but also to rebuild after a toxic relationship.
Reference: https://www.wengood.com/en/psychology/stress/art-defend-manipulators
Photo de Polina Zimmerman provenant de Pexels
